Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Dear Gerry

I really miss you. I say that to all my friends that I never see anymore. Come back home! We need to record that amazing cover of Britney Spears's "Hit Me Baby One More Time."

Anyway what I really wanted to say to you is something that actually doesn't matter much anymore. This mattered in the beginning of last year though.

This is the only part of this letter that will stand for eternity: THANK YOU. I love how close we got last year. And last year's homecoming with you was spectacular. The best homecoming ever, in fact. I wish we could still hang out. But Boston is such a long ways away.

The thing is, last year I was a total wreck. I was moody and depressed and spiteful and I listened to the Smiths a lot. Obviously someone who listens to the Smiths has some emotional disturbances. But over a few months, I developed feelings for you. Yep. A crush. "Developed feelings" just sounds nicer and more romantic. And I'm pretty sure you had feelings for me? I'm guessing. I'm really bad at guessing these kinds of things though. For all I know, it could have just been my mind making up for the lack of affection that I was experiencing.

But I did learn from this experience. I learned to take some fucking chances once in a while. And don't wait for someone else to make the first move. So thanks for everything, Gerry. Good luck in Boston.

Dear former classmates.

Gee. Thanks for excitedly greeting Lindy and Jack at homecoming. That was really thoughtful of you all. I really could feel the love radiating from the hugs I didn't receive. So thanks. That. That right there is the precise reason why I never hang out with you guys. You all suck. That's all I can say.

Dear Lindy

We've been friends for quite some time, yes? Well quite obviously. We went to all of elementary school together! Anyway here are some things I'd like to tell you.

I've always been jealous of you. You're so pretty, and you're so tall, and you have a slammin figure. And at homecoming I felt really self conscious in my dress that was too small and my regret for going as I sat next to you. It didn't help that all the guys started talking to you. Yes, I am wonderfully taken. But it's always nice to know that guys find me attractive still.

Dear Nick

Oh hey there. I know you're leaving for boot camp soon. So I might as well get this out. I'm probably going to send this link to Kirsten to send to you anyway.

You are seriously one of the most pretentious jackasses I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. No one cares that you listen to ska and play bass and rule at video games and have a girlfriend and were in Harmonics and did a ton of sports.

I listen to ska too and I know it's cool within that subculture to wear checkered patterns. It's like what plaid is for punk rock. But really you look ridiculous sometimes. And about the bass? I've never really heard you play. Ever. If you're going to brag about playing an instrument, at least prove that you can in fact play. At least when I say I play guitar, I follow it up with "I probably suck though." If you suck, no one is going to throw bottles at you or some shit. You like video games? Awesome. So do a ton of people. This is irrelevant. It doesn't make you quirky or ironic in any sort of cool manner. It just means you blew over $200 on a video game that you won't play for the entire time you're getting your pussy kicked in at boot camp. No one cares that you care more about your girlfriend than your actual friends. We always have more fun without you. Also, you can't sing worth shit. Even when I was going out with you I thought your voice was horrible. I just haven't told you that. AND WHO CARES IF YOU'VE DONE HOWEVER MANY SPORTS?! You were on JV wrestling for how many years? Oh yeah, two. You had no dedication, thus making your claim to total awesomeness null and void.

Those are just some things that bothered me during the whole two years we were together. And I thought you should know that.

What else shall we touch on? Oh yes. Your wanting to remain friends. So what are we now? Oh yes. NOT FRIENDS. I remember you were so adamant on that. Oh I tried. But you didn't. So don't even try to think we are. You always try to pull that when we happen to be in the same place. And there's a reason I don't give you hugs or say hi or anything. So stop trying to be all buddy buddy. It isn't cute.

I don't know where I'm going with this. So I guess I'll just finish up with the last thought that came to mind. What the hell was I thinking with you? Now that I have someone...extremely superior to you, I now realize how shitty a boyfriend you were. I would much rather have someone who tells me he loves every day, says I'm beautiful constantly, and really supports me. And that was never you.