Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Dear JL

Back in September, a few of us had what we now call Story Time. We recalled our romantic endeavors and gave a little insight. The three of us who weren't drunk got a little closer that night I think. At this point I don't think that there will ever be another night like that glorious, invincible night. So this post is part the regular shtick with a part of Story Time. Because while my love life has not been a crap toss, I'd still say I have a lot of issues with life.

I've always been somewhat of a loner you can say. I was always in some sort of group. But I never truly felt like I fit in. I always felt left out. I always felt like I could never really be me. I never felt like I could say what I wanted or even say anything at all sometimes. It's always nice to be a part of something. But until this summer, the summer of my life in which none of you were involved in, I never felt like I belonged. And now that feeling's back. That feeling of longing and sadness that I felt even when I thought I was happy.

Don't you hate that feeling? That feeling of discordance. Like you've got parts missing but you're still encased in your perfect little original packaging?

When I was little, I didn't have any friends. I didn't really hang out with anyone until junior high. It was the closest I have ever gotten to that sense of belonging. Now I sort of realize that I was still the black sheep. Then I met all these great people in 8th grade. Part of me thinks that they only talked to me because I was an actual girl. Who liked anime. But a greater part of me kind of sensed that they were going to be important people in my life. In high school I didn't really make the kind of relationships that I wanted, at least not in my school. I wanted to have someone that I could talk to. Someone that I wouldn't get so flustered with. Someone to accept me.

This summer was a huge confidence boost for me, what with the aforementioned fitting in. I remember sitting on a couch, thinking, "I love the people I'm with." I know I throw around that word around a lot, "love." That thought was truly concrete. I knew that those were my friends and they have my back and I don't need to be someone else in front of them. And I don't think they realize how much I appreciated that.

I went into college with hope. I was going to make new friends and really make a change. It was all going to be different. All I've realized is that some things never truly change. We're all just chess pieces...Tiny, little, insignificant chess pieces. And I'm that little pawn that gets taken right off the bat that you don't really care about since it wasn't worth much to begin with.

There are a few people that I know I can count on. Then there are a lot of people that I just have friendly banter with. Then there are the few that fill me up with so much negativity because they don't even try to know me and I just grin and bear it all. To be quite honest, I'm really sick of it.

I've always felt like some sort of charity case. Like I'm that one person that you keep around because they don't have any other friends or something. I'm really sick of it all. More and more, I've felt amalgamated. I was accepted and I caught onto that pretty early on. I never felt like I could say or do the right things. I never felt like anyone was really listening.

Such is the story of my life. I knew that I was going to make some changes once I got here. And I guess this is one of them. I never said, "Fuck this shit." Or, "You guys are assholes." I just regretfully resigned my post, in a way.

To sum it all up, I just don't belong here. I'm tired of feeling left out of everything so frequently. And I'm tired of feeling that I'm not up to your standards or something. I will still have lunch with you. But outside of that, I just won't care. I'm through.

I guess, in this second semester, this is where it all flies away. I'm walking away. Let me keep my title of Kat-Tastrophe. But give that token Asian girl sash to someone else.