Monday, November 15, 2010

Dear Matt

It's been a very, very long time. I heard that one song you put up on Youtube. I'm just now looking through my old channel and saw all those videos you sent all your subscribers. Those songs make me feel like shit. I hate that I can tell what's about me.

I feel really shitty about everything. Even more so than I did before. And I feel that you need some sort of reasoning as to what happened.

We were happy for the longest time. But something snapped, like puny twigs under our feet. And so it needed to end...

Things you did, things you always did, started annoying me. I can hardly remember now. But it was all the little things, you know? I think I cracked when you showed up that one time when I needed to take my placement exams. I remember that. I was really mad.

We had so easily slipped into a routine. And after a while, I just hated it. I was sick of it and I wanted it to stop. You'd come over. Grab my guitar. See a movie or go to College Park or something. Come back to my place. Watch TV and hang out either in my basement or on the loveseat in my living room under an old blue blanket.

I felt like I was being smothered. I know I can be incredibly needy at times. But I lost my friends. I felt like I was always left out because I was always with you. And I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of choosing you over them because I was so sure I loved you.

Suddenly it hit me: I didn't love you. I did. But then my love faded.

I didn't want to break your heart or anything. I really didn't. I gave you so much of me. But it was something that I had to do so that I could eventually be happy.

I was depressed for the longest time about this. I cried for hours after you left that night. I don't like when things fall apart. I still think about you sometimes. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you're totally over me. I hope you are. Stop writing about me. There's a girl out there for you. It just wasn't me.

Dear Rynn

I heard the whole story about what happened. I've sat through it twice and invested about eight hours into this. I'd honestly like to get both sides of the story. But I feel that it would be complicated. There's a lot of animosity when Sam's drunk enough. It makes me sad because I always liked you. I didn't talk to you enough to say we were friends but I wouldn't say I ever hated you.

Whenever I see you around campus, you always look so lonely. It makes me sad. Your apparent sadness makes me sad. Do you have any other friends here? If I ever see you with anyone, it's always your boyfriend. I'd like to say hi and sit and chat with you. But I'm usually already hanging out with the people who used to hang out with you. And that one time, I said hi to you, before I knew of any story, it was super awkward.

We should get lunch sometime. You always look like you could use a friend.