Dear Matt

It's been a very, very long time. I heard that one song you put up on Youtube. I'm just now looking through my old channel and saw all those videos you sent all your subscribers. Those songs make me feel like shit. I hate that I can tell what's about me.

I feel really shitty about everything. Even more so than I did before. And I feel that you need some sort of reasoning as to what happened.

We were happy for the longest time. But something snapped, like puny twigs under our feet. And so it needed to end...

Things you did, things you always did, started annoying me. I can hardly remember now. But it was all the little things, you know? I think I cracked when you showed up that one time when I needed to take my placement exams. I remember that. I was really mad.

We had so easily slipped into a routine. And after a while, I just hated it. I was sick of it and I wanted it to stop. You'd come over. Grab my guitar. See a movie or go to College Park or something. Come back to my place. Watch TV and hang out either in my basement or on the loveseat in my living room under an old blue blanket.

I felt like I was being smothered. I know I can be incredibly needy at times. But I lost my friends. I felt like I was always left out because I was always with you. And I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of choosing you over them because I was so sure I loved you.

Suddenly it hit me: I didn't love you. I did. But then my love faded.

I didn't want to break your heart or anything. I really didn't. I gave you so much of me. But it was something that I had to do so that I could eventually be happy.

I was depressed for the longest time about this. I cried for hours after you left that night. I don't like when things fall apart. I still think about you sometimes. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you're totally over me. I hope you are. Stop writing about me. There's a girl out there for you. It just wasn't me.

Dear Rynn

I heard the whole story about what happened. I've sat through it twice and invested about eight hours into this. I'd honestly like to get both sides of the story. But I feel that it would be complicated. There's a lot of animosity when Sam's drunk enough. It makes me sad because I always liked you. I didn't talk to you enough to say we were friends but I wouldn't say I ever hated you.

Whenever I see you around campus, you always look so lonely. It makes me sad. Your apparent sadness makes me sad. Do you have any other friends here? If I ever see you with anyone, it's always your boyfriend. I'd like to say hi and sit and chat with you. But I'm usually already hanging out with the people who used to hang out with you. And that one time, I said hi to you, before I knew of any story, it was super awkward.

We should get lunch sometime. You always look like you could use a friend.

Dear Tom

You're really nerdy and awkward. But I find you attractive. Sometime this week, I am planning on kissing you.

I know we only met a few weeks ago, and today I did not make the best of impressions (again, I'm really sorry; I hope those disappear by tomorrow). But you're going to find out that I'm really gutsy.

The End of This Saga

I did it. I told him. Proud of me, aren't you guys? Also excited because now I can move onto other things, eh?

Well to sum it up, he's not looking for a relationship. He said that he just can't handle it. Plus we're both going to different schools. It would just be difficult. I can't say I didn't see this coming. I have notoriously bad timing. He said things that, out of context, made it sound like there were feelings there. But he said that I'm a really great friend. And he'd really like it if it stayed that way, rather than just losing touch with each other completely. Maybe some other day something will happen. Or maybe not. The future's a little foggy in my eyes.

We are going to stay friends. And it's going to be awesome. And he is going to be a terrible influence in my college life.

He said something though. It made me really happy. I'm going to try and keep it in mind. Because no one's ever said just one thing to make me feel really good. I mean, who feels good about being shot down? Me, apparently.

"You will meet someone great."

I'm gonna do it.

So I was going to tell Chase that I might possibly like him this weekend. But I couldn't get the chance. And he's leaving on the 9th for school. So I figure if I can't tell him in person, I'll tell him on Facebook. Since I'm much more articulate on paper (or in this case, on screen). At any rate, this will give me an idea of what to say.

Chase,

I think I like you. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I do. In all the time I've known you, I've never thought about you in that way. But ever since prom, all I can think about is the thought of kissing you. I've been thinking about this and over-analyzing this for months. I've looked at every possibility and I decided I don't care.

I like you.
I like talking to you.
I like hanging out with you.
I like just being around you.

I don't care if you don't feel the same way. I just hate having to hold in these kinds of feelings. So I really needed to tell you. If this is all sort of unrequited, no hard feelings. I'm a big girl. I'll get over it. Just say the word and we'll forget this happened. Move on, or what have you.

Dear Nick, Justin, Colleen, and Cynthia

I feel so amalgamated from you guys. Like...Well It's like eighth grade all over again. No one invited me to anything, I found out about everything after the fact. I had no real friends (except for maybe Jack and Lindy). This really does feel like part two. If it weren't for my other friends, my college friends, I probably would have just reverted back to my old ways. Black, darkness, lots of From First to Last and the Used. I was a total emo kid. I guess you guys wouldn't have known that entirely.

It's happening again.

Dear Jack

I find it really awkward hanging out with you. You and Izzy...It's weird for me. I love you guys. Separately.