Dear JL

Back in September, a few of us had what we now call Story Time. We recalled our romantic endeavors and gave a little insight. The three of us who weren't drunk got a little closer that night I think. At this point I don't think that there will ever be another night like that glorious, invincible night. So this post is part the regular shtick with a part of Story Time. Because while my love life has not been a crap toss, I'd still say I have a lot of issues with life.
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I've always been somewhat of a loner you can say. I was always in some sort of group. But I never truly felt like I fit in. I always felt left out. I always felt like I could never really be me. I never felt like I could say what I wanted or even say anything at all sometimes. It's always nice to be a part of something. But until this summer, the summer of my life in which none of you were involved in, I never felt like I belonged. And now that feeling's back. That feeling of longing and sadness that I felt even when I thought I was happy.

Don't you hate that feeling? That feeling of discordance. Like you've got parts missing but you're still encased in your perfect little original packaging?

When I was little, I didn't have any friends. I didn't really hang out with anyone until junior high. It was the closest I have ever gotten to that sense of belonging. Now I sort of realize that I was still the black sheep. Then I met all these great people in 8th grade. Part of me thinks that they only talked to me because I was an actual girl. Who liked anime. But a greater part of me kind of sensed that they were going to be important people in my life. In high school I didn't really make the kind of relationships that I wanted, at least not in my school. I wanted to have someone that I could talk to. Someone that I wouldn't get so flustered with. Someone to accept me.

This summer was a huge confidence boost for me, what with the aforementioned fitting in. I remember sitting on a couch, thinking, "I love the people I'm with." I know I throw around that word around a lot, "love." That thought was truly concrete. I knew that those were my friends and they have my back and I don't need to be someone else in front of them. And I don't think they realize how much I appreciated that.

I went into college with hope. I was going to make new friends and really make a change. It was all going to be different. All I've realized is that some things never truly change. We're all just chess pieces...Tiny, little, insignificant chess pieces. And I'm that little pawn that gets taken right off the bat that you don't really care about since it wasn't worth much to begin with.

There are a few people that I know I can count on. Then there are a lot of people that I just have friendly banter with. Then there are the few that fill me up with so much negativity because they don't even try to know me and I just grin and bear it all. To be quite honest, I'm really sick of it.

I've always felt like some sort of charity case. Like I'm that one person that you keep around because they don't have any other friends or something. I'm really sick of it all. More and more, I've felt amalgamated. I was accepted and I caught onto that pretty early on. I never felt like I could say or do the right things. I never felt like anyone was really listening.

Such is the story of my life. I knew that I was going to make some changes once I got here. And I guess this is one of them. I never said, "Fuck this shit." Or, "You guys are assholes." I just regretfully resigned my post, in a way.

To sum it all up, I just don't belong here. I'm tired of feeling left out of everything so frequently. And I'm tired of feeling that I'm not up to your standards or something. I will still have lunch with you. But outside of that, I just won't care. I'm through.

I guess, in this second semester, this is where it all flies away. I'm walking away. Let me keep my title of Kat-Tastrophe. But give that token Asian girl sash to someone else.

Something old, something new...

In less than a week, I now know two people who are engaged. I knew them both in high school (circa 2007).

Why? I mean, it's great and all. Marriage is awesome. But if you're younger than 20 it's a little crazy. It's madness to me. I just feel that at this age, you have no clue what you want. And there's still a lot of living to do.

My philosophy is that you never really know what you want. But marriage is kind of a HUGE decision.

You're still in school. Go to parties. Start a shitty band. Get a tattoo. Go to Europe. Graduate. Then after that, you can get a job. And once it's all stable, you can get married. That's what I've known.

Not to bash anyone that gets married young or while they're still in school or anything. Sometimes it works out. And a lot of times it doesn't.

Dear Matt

It's been a very, very long time. I heard that one song you put up on Youtube. I'm just now looking through my old channel and saw all those videos you sent all your subscribers. Those songs make me feel like shit. I hate that I can tell what's about me.

I feel really shitty about everything. Even more so than I did before. And I feel that you need some sort of reasoning as to what happened.

We were happy for the longest time. But something snapped, like puny twigs under our feet. And so it needed to end...

Things you did, things you always did, started annoying me. I can hardly remember now. But it was all the little things, you know? I think I cracked when you showed up that one time when I needed to take my placement exams. I remember that. I was really mad.

We had so easily slipped into a routine. And after a while, I just hated it. I was sick of it and I wanted it to stop. You'd come over. Grab my guitar. See a movie or go to College Park or something. Come back to my place. Watch TV and hang out either in my basement or on the loveseat in my living room under an old blue blanket.

I felt like I was being smothered. I know I can be incredibly needy at times. But I lost my friends. I felt like I was always left out because I was always with you. And I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of choosing you over them because I was so sure I loved you.

Suddenly it hit me: I didn't love you. I did. But then my love faded.

I didn't want to break your heart or anything. I really didn't. I gave you so much of me. But it was something that I had to do so that I could eventually be happy.

I was depressed for the longest time about this. I cried for hours after you left that night. I don't like when things fall apart. I still think about you sometimes. I wonder how you're doing. I wonder if you're totally over me. I hope you are. Stop writing about me. There's a girl out there for you. It just wasn't me.

Dear Rynn

I heard the whole story about what happened. I've sat through it twice and invested about eight hours into this. I'd honestly like to get both sides of the story. But I feel that it would be complicated. There's a lot of animosity when Sam's drunk enough. It makes me sad because I always liked you. I didn't talk to you enough to say we were friends but I wouldn't say I ever hated you.

Whenever I see you around campus, you always look so lonely. It makes me sad. Your apparent sadness makes me sad. Do you have any other friends here? If I ever see you with anyone, it's always your boyfriend. I'd like to say hi and sit and chat with you. But I'm usually already hanging out with the people who used to hang out with you. And that one time, I said hi to you, before I knew of any story, it was super awkward.

We should get lunch sometime. You always look like you could use a friend.

Dear Tom

You're really nerdy and awkward. But I find you attractive. Sometime this week, I am planning on kissing you.

I know we only met a few weeks ago, and today I did not make the best of impressions (again, I'm really sorry; I hope those disappear by tomorrow). But you're going to find out that I'm really gutsy.

The End of This Saga

I did it. I told him. Proud of me, aren't you guys? Also excited because now I can move onto other things, eh?

Well to sum it up, he's not looking for a relationship. He said that he just can't handle it. Plus we're both going to different schools. It would just be difficult. I can't say I didn't see this coming. I have notoriously bad timing. He said things that, out of context, made it sound like there were feelings there. But he said that I'm a really great friend. And he'd really like it if it stayed that way, rather than just losing touch with each other completely. Maybe some other day something will happen. Or maybe not. The future's a little foggy in my eyes.

We are going to stay friends. And it's going to be awesome. And he is going to be a terrible influence in my college life.

He said something though. It made me really happy. I'm going to try and keep it in mind. Because no one's ever said just one thing to make me feel really good. I mean, who feels good about being shot down? Me, apparently.

"You will meet someone great."

I'm gonna do it.

So I was going to tell Chase that I might possibly like him this weekend. But I couldn't get the chance. And he's leaving on the 9th for school. So I figure if I can't tell him in person, I'll tell him on Facebook. Since I'm much more articulate on paper (or in this case, on screen). At any rate, this will give me an idea of what to say.

Chase,

I think I like you. I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I do. In all the time I've known you, I've never thought about you in that way. But ever since prom, all I can think about is the thought of kissing you. I've been thinking about this and over-analyzing this for months. I've looked at every possibility and I decided I don't care.

I like you.
I like talking to you.
I like hanging out with you.
I like just being around you.

I don't care if you don't feel the same way. I just hate having to hold in these kinds of feelings. So I really needed to tell you. If this is all sort of unrequited, no hard feelings. I'm a big girl. I'll get over it. Just say the word and we'll forget this happened. Move on, or what have you.